In Memory of My Mother

I lost my mother to covid-19 in January of 2021. Nothing has felt real since. I can't even remember when the last time was that she had been sick with anything, and then she was gone. We were in the middle of so many things. So many conversations are hanging in the air, mid-sentence. 

She should still be out there somewhere, laughing with her friends, or going on a new adventure with my dad, exploring yet another natural wonder or goofy tourist-trap hundreds of miles away or a restaurant just around the corner. She should still be watering her flowers and composing her family Christmas cards. She should be just a phone-call away to answer my questions about how to adjust to life without her--who else do you talk about these things with but your mom?

My mom deserved so much better than to die early in a hospital, and maybe I'll come back to write something about how devastating her loss has been, but it's taken over a year to be able to write anything about her at all, and what I really want to do now is focus on what an amazing person she was.

My mom always invested the effort to try to understand people, to get along with them, and to make them feel welcome. Even those she strongly disagreed with, she was kind to--she didn't need to agree with someone to enjoy their company or to want them to feel at ease. 

She made countless small efforts to make the people around her feel appreciated, not because she felt obligated to, but because making people's day was her passion and her habit, a way of life she engaged in without thinking. She was always telling me how we would have to have so-and-so over because she had picked up their favorite food at the grocery store and wanted to make it for them. She never forgot to extend the invitation to bring anyone and everyone along to family get-togethers: friends, roommates, dates, whoever; it was always "the more the merrier" with her. She delighted in passing on little gifts to friends and family saying "this made me think of you," and in calling them regularly to talk for as long as they felt like catching up.

Friendship was never passive for my mom. She diligently built times into her life devoted to maintaining and strengthening her connection to her friends and to her family members as well. I remember when I was little my mom, her sisters, and my grandma used to gather for regular "girls' days out" to explore local attractions together. Later, when my grandma was no longer around and some of the siblings had moved out of state, my mom always kept in touch at least by phone and gathered whoever was available for each holiday and family birthday. Distance never got in her way. Her best friend, whom she had known since they were 12 years old, hadn't lived in California for years, but they always kept up-to-date with each other's lives, mailing each other books to read and birthday presents, talking often, and visiting each other when the opportunities arose. She also had a group of close friends living nearby who she had known since the eighties and who she always found time to plan outings, dinners, and tea-times with. Over the years, she only added to the circles of people she invested in, becoming close to other parents she met at our school and fellow Bible-study attendees at her church. It was rare for a week to go by without her having multiple appointment times set aside simply to enjoy spending time with her friends.

With my dad, she never let opportunities to demonstrate her love go by either. This is one thing I appreciate deeply about both my parents: Their love for each other was always obvious, and they were always having fun together. They were never shy about hugging, kissing, and saying they loved each other, and beyond that, they were always planning activities together, mostly travel--everything from local day trips to road trips spanning a couple thousand miles. As I've slowly come to understand more about relationships in my own life, I've become increasingly grateful for the love, respect, and joyful friendship my parents lived out with each other; they gave me the gift of having it come easy to never waste my time on a romance that didn't have the potential to be as healthy as theirs. 

I want to say so much more about all the mosaic pieces that make up this beautiful picture of who my mom was: How she was so genuinely happy almost all the time, not pressuring herself or pretending, but simply predisposed to look on the bright side of everything, stay practical, and always move forward in life. How she was never satisfied unless she was volunteering at a school, a church, or both. How she loved art and taught kids about influential painters and sculptors and helped to broaden and improve the curriculum she was working with for them. It's strange how much effort it still takes to stop and remember and translate the memories into words to help others experience them, so I think I'll have to come back to this. I want to record so many details about this lovely person who I can't introduce you to personally, and I think it will be best to just keep this collection of details going, keep adding to this picture as the time is right to process each set of memories.